5 Tips To Help Someone Feeling Discouraged.
This blog originally appeared on Reframing Ministries and has been updated with extra insights and information.
The principles outlined in this article go hand-in-hand with how our curriculums facilitate growth, primarily through our Thrive workbook, no matter where the person is on the mental health continuum.
Learning to provide comfort and encouragement for those experiencing mental health challenges can feel intimidating and complex. However, we are told that the “ministry of presence” (just being there) for others is what they need... but how does that work practically?
Whether you are a church leader, parent, spouse, friend, or in any role serving others, we could all use simple tips on having a ministry of presence and comfort.
1) Be present for the growth process for new meaning and resilience vs. the fix-it breakthrough for achievement.
Supporting anyone in this journey is about patience for the process, not pushing to achieve everything in a five-, seven-or twelve-step healing, breakthrough, or “fix-it” program. Sometimes these steps-achieving programs are recommended as if they will fix everything, but it can sometimes be more frustrating if it’s extrinsically motivated (to prove to others or God). These specific “steps” programs are more principles for the growth and healing PROCESS; they are helpful guardrails for the journey, not advised to fix, cure, or control people to behave or perform better.
“In a sense, the mental and emotional disruption is grief bridging life toward new meaning. ”
Why it’s a process … and to be patient.
Mental and emotional pain (i.e., depression, anxiety, racing thoughts, constant irritability, etc.) disrupts the world we know; our sense and control of our “normal” are lost. The brain and body are activated into a “survive” and “resist” state of being (i.e., adaptation syndrome). The brain and body naturally try to learn new meanings, resilience, and growth. So, in that process, we try to make sense of the disruption and to create new predictable safety, control, and adapt - to grow from it. That doesn’t happen overnight in a six-week course - it takes time. They may see positive benefits within weeks, but transformation plays out over an extended period (depending on the individual).
The self-doubt and their faith in God is a path to deep wisdom and self-worth meaning. God is in it - not distant.
Within the mental and emotional disruption, it’s natural to start having more profound questions about ourselves, God, relationships, etc. Especially in their faith experience, it can sound like doubt (even sound heretical), but it’s a journey for wisdom. In a sense, the mental and emotional disruption is grief bridging life toward new meaning. God is not surprised and wants them to discover Him through their doubt. And sometimes, the doubt leads them to a new energy of faith in Christ.
Note: Grumbling vs. Complaining (Scriptural understanding)
Scripturally, God wants us to bring our “complaints” to Him - so He can respond with His perspective and practical care through His Spirit to endure, grow, heal, restore, etc. However, “grumbling” is not trusting God but about accusing God of being “unfaithful or unjust.” Grumbling makes us bitter and walk away from God (false understanding), but doesn’t talk to God about it. Bringing our complaints and frustrations to God is a secure place to go to Him and question Him about His ways, etc. He doesn’t mind that it makes us doubt. We see Moses doing this with his frustrations (Numbers 11:11-15). We see a great man of faith, Elijah, confidently complaining (1 Kings 19:4). And there are many others, like David, who trusted his heart to God to care over his complaints … even when “depressed” (Psalm 55:2, 77:2-3, and 142:1-2).
So, any disruption in our lives needs time and space for self-discovery and simple tools to manage this new journey (i.e., meaning and resilience). We allow them the freedom to discover God, revealing a new lens, perspective, and insights that help them grow. Being aware of this, our “ministry of presence” is providing a safe and comforting environment for them to grow and heal! It’s helping them discover what they’re learning and seeing. More on this later.
2) Be present with empowering language vs. encouraging expectations.
When looking to support them, try not to use the word “need” but instead use the word “like.” Asking someone feeling overwhelmed, “What do you need?” or "What do you think you need to do?” can cause more stress than we think.
This type of question is usually followed up with all the “have-to’s” or “need-to-do lists,” … whether they “like” it or not. So, I often find the “need” language can reinforce the first point, a feeling to “fix it” or fix themselves, so they stop failing or eliminate their “bad emotions” (i.e., symptoms). It can subtly come across as if we’re saying …
“To make your pain go away, work harder to fulfill your needs … tell us what those needs are, and we will keep you accountable to see you get fixed and see your breakthrough.”
That’s not our intention, and we would never imply that! We don’t realize how that simple expression causes them more pressure, not relief. Plus, the person is so overwhelmed and discouraged they may not know what they “need” (or maybe they’d be doing it).
However, it may be better to ask,
“Is there anything you would like?” or “Is there anything you would like to try that might be helpful?”
This type of question takes all the pressure off them being right or wrong and empowers them to be back in charge of their journey (intrinsic worth). It changes the conversation from a “fix-it” (fix yourself) to now empowering them to explore what resonates with them (ultimately, their own unique needs). They may even develop ideas from the “needs” question, but it’s coming from empowerment (discovery learning), not expectations.
Depending on how overwhelmed or discouraged they are, they may still need to learn what they would like. Then, you can suggest ideas to see what resonates and what they want (like) vs. a list of “need to do.” Even if they try the recommended ideas and don’t work, it’s okay because they are exploring their strength. Then, they can try something else they “like.” The process keeps going.
At the end of the day, “need” language comes across as expectations for success or failure; “Like” can express … empowerment to grow.
3) Be present with a growth-encouragement mindset vs. a general-absolutes mindset.
We all thrive off encouragement, even more when it’s more specific. An “absolute encouragement mindset” is when we say, “You’re great” or “You’re so smart!” . . . “therefore, you can do this!” This is nice, but it doesn’t spur them on. Instead, use a “growth encouragement mindset” to highlight their qualities, character strengths, and, most importantly, any specific effort you see. For example,
“You’re great . . . because I can see how you’re using your relaxation tools to work down your stress and anxiety and how you’re keeping to your new routine to stay on track these days. You seem calmer, and your mood is improving. It exemplifies seeing your faith and God’s grace in action. I see you grow and change.”
Here’s why this works—positive Reinforcement (growth vs. avoidant goals).
Instead of waiting for the “goal’ or “dream” to be fulfilled, celebrating the effort and process of action rewards the fact that they are headed in the right direction (their healing, new meaning, and resilience). This encouragement enhances and balances together the neurocircuitry (dopamine - associated with reward) and norepinephrine (stress for motion) to reinforce those specific efforts and say, “We’re headed in the right direction.” And this it’s the same chemistry needed for getting through other challenges (i.e., the chemistry of resilience).
The key is that we have to pause to celebrate those moments literally! The micro celebrations and encouragement that compound to the entire goal, dream, and new meaning and resilience.
God is even this way in His specific encouragement,
“For God is not unjust so as to forget the work and the love which you have shown toward His name, in having ministered and in still ministering to all the saints." — Hebrews 6:10 (NAS)
This “growth encouragement mindset” language can help them move beyond the negative views that keep them locked up to see new potentials and abilities - moving into a new healthy self-esteem identity (fixed mindset vs. growth mindset). Overall, this type of growth encouragement empowers them to stay on their healthy track and even innovate their process for other challenges.
4) Be present to listen, learn, and guide their discovery vs. teach and track their performance.
Whether you are helping them through a curriculum or trying to be a simple friend along their journey, the principle is to help guide them to discover, not teach them everything you know. This might differ slightly in professional therapy or coaching; however, great therapists and coaches use these principles in helping others.
Suppose you’re highly trained and skilled, have extensive Bible knowledge for many of life's challenges, and have your own overcoming personal experience with incredible insights and tools. In that case, it’s very tempting to use the time with others to teach your great insights and productive tools; then, you keep track of how they apply what you taught them (giving assignments and tracking their progress). Or it’s also tempting to use part of the time to share your story to motivate their change — “I did it so that you can do it, too!”
This can come across to the other person as “bypassing” their pain. Not listening to serve, just listening to teach - fix.
Our knowledge and experiences are highly valid to help guide others, but it’s more helpful that we take more time to listen and celebrate what they are learning and add in our insights where needed … or when asked.
So this means learning and getting good at active listening and listening well so that we can reflect on what they are saying (validating what they are experiencing) and then asking simple follow-up questions to help them clarify various points (helping them learn and process their solutions). Then, like above, help them discover what they want (i.e., like) to try vs. what we think they need to do.
Learn from them; they will enhance what you already know.
As you help them discover what they want to try, you can OFFER and suggest simple info and productive tools, but let them own it - not perform it. Then, take more time to listen to how they both succeed and fail; you’ll discover that some of the things they are learning, even spiritually, may seem basic to you but revelatory to them - celebrate it. You can even ask them to show you (teach you) how they are applying new insights or tools that work for them (it may benefit you too). What they learn will empower more incredible growth (personal identity value) than our knowledge or experiences.
“BUT wait, what about my knowledge and experience? I know it can be encouraging for them … even be helpful?”
And it is! From my experience, coaching/mentoring others is knowing when and how to use our insights/knowledge to affirm where they are, what they are learning, and where they are going in their process - not as what they “need” to understand, where they “need” to be or “need” to do. If it leads to discovery, try it. If it leads to burden or pressure, hold back.
So, please share your knowledge and experiences to help them celebrate and explore where they are and where they want to go. They may even want to try the same tools you use. It will give them a starting point but then encourage them to adapt or change it to work for them — or abandon it if it doesn’t.
Let them ask or offer your help; please don't try to assert it.
In my experience, if they want to know more from your extensive knowledge and incredible journey, they will ask … and eventually will. But even then, I suggest keeping it relevant to where they are and where they are headed in their journey … not where you want them to be or should be.
5) Be present with confident comfort vs. building to a breakthrough.
Mental and emotional distress will always lend to this heartfelt need: “Crying out to God for a breakthrough.” That mental and emotional distress naturally creates a negative 3D spiritual illusion:
The illusion of a:
Distant God - distance used form of correction-teaching, sanctification, punishment/discipline, or feeling abandoned for all of the above.
Defeated faith - reaping “bad” for lack of or weak faith, and now more vulnerable to “the enemy” than God’s presence (reinforcing the first point).
Despair for a breakthrough - Do more “faithfulness to God” and get more of God’s “faithfulness to us.” This works-based thinking tries to get God’s attention by doing more of what He likes to reward us with healing (it makes God's goodness seem more arbitrary).
As I mentioned above, experiencing intense mental and emotional distress, the brain is in “threat” mode to survive and resist. That stress process is causing more critical thinking to fight/survive, not for perspective. This ongoing challenge leads to a state of being, a complete physical experience reinforcing these spiritual illusions. Unfortunately, the negative 3D illusion is supported by some Biblical teachings (especially if their whole teaching foundation is more about being “sinners in the hands of an angry God" than being saved in the hands of a loving God).
In this case, you can ask (offer) them if they would “like” to see comforting and encouraging scriptures. Then, you can point out 1-3 scriptures and have them read aloud. Let them read and discover. Don’t turn it into you teaching them but create a dialogue that always points back to God’s comfort and grace in the now, not praying or working for it to come down from far-off heaven. Remember, don’t teach - ask them to reflect on what they notice from the scripture (allow them to experience the Holy Spirit guiding them, not us; John 16:13).
Why this is important.
Comfort activates the brain and nervous system to release the healing hormones in the body to help reduce stress. It helps reset the nervous system to a calmer state!
This experience is often complicated and confusing for many, and I’ve written several other articles to help provide more understanding.
So, what do you think? What do you think works for you?
This is a manageable list, just a few helpful tips. Please comment below and share your expanding thoughts and ideas on this topic.
Joe Padilla | The Grace Alliance
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